I feel bad for liking someone because it's complicated and I know that I am hurting Nigel. I can't be what he wants me to be. Last night I was really stressed out by what he was saying and asking from me. I know that at the end of the day I am going to end up losing Nigel as a friend because of all this. There is going to be a day when I find a man that I feel is right for me. I don't know when that day will come because I can't say how I am going to be feeling when I meet people. I can only say how I feel at the moment and that is that I am highly attracted to someone but it isn't going to be easy.
I am upset by the fact that Nigel thinks I am just going to jump into bed with every bloke I meet or something. I am sorry but that isn't me. Even by saying those things as a joke it upsets and hurts me. Do I come across as some slut? I hope not because I am not. I have been through a hell of a lot of shit in the past and I am not going to go through it again. I care about Nigel as a friend and I don't want to lose him as a friend but there is going to be a day in my life when I find someone I really want to be with and I hope when that day comes he will be happy for me. He may think that no man will treat me as nice as he does. He may be right, but I can't change the way I feel. The sexual attraction isn't there at all. :(
This brings me onto the guy I am attracted to. Its not simple like it was say with Gareth but I am willing to be friends with him and wait for the right time if he is the man for me. I am scared about meeting him, I am scared that he will find me ugly. I am scared he will think I am fat and weird. I am scared he will go home and never talk to me again and I have been his friend online for years. I am scared that I will lose him.....but its a risk I am going to take. The situation isn't ideal but I believe that there will be a solution there if we like each other enough. I may get hurt by all this, but sometimes you have to take risks in life.
I want to find the right man, I want to be happy. All my friends around me are getting married or settling down etc. Why not me? I deserve to be happy. I have introduced a lot of people to each other online in one way or another and a lot of people are still in relationships. I am happy about that but I feel like a failure sometimes because I am forever dating and then finding out they aren't the one for me.
Other worries at the moment include my grampy being ill and waiting for results on his lump in his bladder. I am worried about my job as its still not totally stable. Also worried about my sister as she is due to have the baby in four weeks time and she looks like she is going to give birth now....she has some really bad pains which is caused by the pressure of the baby. The head is now engaged and she could give birth at any point to be honest. I am scared for her about the whole giving birth thing. Worried that the baby will be ok....worried that I won't be a good auntie to Lilly-Ana. All these worries. I still feel I should have been first....but thats life.....
I feel bad even writing this when there are people dying. My heart goes out to the people struck by the hurricane Katrina. :(
I think I will leave it there. STRESS. I am looking forward to seeing Michael on the weekend because I can talk to him about all this stuff and then on Wednesday I am seeing J and that will just be so great.....:)