Again today I have woken up feeling like I have never been to bed. I can't explain to people that always feel energetic what this feels like. When I had glandular fever when I was 19 it really knocked me hard. If you could see me when I was 18....I used to walk 2 miles to work, walk around the building all day fixing computers, walk back 2 miles and then go out rollerblading in the evening. Then it hit me...and ever since I have no energy. Some doctors have said they think I have ME (Chronic Fatigue) but at the moment there is no real test for it. So I had glandular fever followed by a serious bout of depression. Ever since I have been on anti-depressants and I have ballooned from a little size 8 to what I am now. If I had always been a big girl I wouldn't worry about it but its the fact that I was small, the fact I was energetic that is so frustrates me. It's getting worse as well. Since I gave up my paper round (I shouldn't have given it up) I haven't exercised enough and I have no motivation. Anyway about an hour ago I went and tidied around the house and now my back is killing me...that is how bad I am. My family have been no help at all.....I know at the moment its difficult with Anna because she has depression and we are all worried about her but I am here too as well...luckily Anna is starting to come out the other side now but they seem to forget that I got through my depression and have gone straight in and dealt with two boughts of Anna's depression, firstly when she was with her ex....and then after having Lilly. Does anyone know how hard it is for me to have to continually sit here and tell my sister that she will be ok? does anyone understand how many times a day I had to tell Anna she will get over it and she does love Lilly? it's so hard and Lilly is now going through a really whingy stage. I think she is teething, but she is getting moany and almost shouting when she doesn't get her own way. I have had to raise my voice to her this morning which I hate doing but she has to learn the word No. She doesn't rule the roost!
My mum and Nige don't help either to be honest. Mum keeps saying she wants to go back to Weightwatchers and never does, she also brings cakes and stuff home sometimes and Nige just brings loads of sweets and chocolate and cakes over all the time and if they are in front of me I will eat them...I love sweet food. I can't stop everyone else from eating the nice food but it oes make me feel a bit crap about myself.
I seriously feel I am eating more recently because I feel so stressed. I am stressed that I won't be able to afford my tax bill. Stressed about finances, stressed about Anna. Stressed about life really.
I just feel so tired....so tired of everything...luckily there are little things that make me happy but at the moment the unhappiness seems to be outweighing the happiness. I can't see a way out. I can't see me ever feeling well again. People probably think I am always ill...but to be honest its very rare when I have a day when I don't feel poorly. Sometimes my tiredness gets so bad I have to stop what I am doing and go to bed....thats not normal....one morning a couple of weeks ago I did four enquiries then went to bed for an hour. Not good....luckily Mark is nice about it all....this is why if I lost my job I don't know what I would do because I know I couldn't cope with working 9 - 5 daily. Infact even when I was at Buro Happold the longest I went without having a day off midweek was five weeks. Otherwise i would have a day off here and there and its because I couldn't cope with more. When I was at school I had a glandular virus as well....I hardly went to school because I just felt ill a lot.
Sorry for the unhappiness in this post....its just how I am feeling at the moment.