Ellen Stafford (chicaboo25) wrote,
Ellen Stafford

A Couple of things....

Earlier this evening my sisters counsoller Steve came over. He comes to see Anna every two or three weeks and I tend to stay in the room (with Anna's permission of course). Last time he came we all got into a friendly chitchat as Anna is a lot better now at the end we tend to just all sit around and talk. From the first time I met Steve I always found something attractive about him but by the way he acted and spoke I assumed he was gay until Anna told me he was married with kids. Anyway the last time he came we sort of had a chat about my Phillip Schofield site and the type of men I like and I said that I found him attractive and we all just laughed and Anna mentioned at first I thought he way gay which I think shocked him a bit.
This time he came over somehow we got around to similar topics and I just feel really stupid tonight. I wish I would think before I speak sometimes. I come across as a right idiot I am sure. He jokingly said something about me sending a Christmas Card to Phillip and I said I already had and a present and the way he looked at me was like "WEIRDO" it made me feel a bit stupid and childish but I think he understood more when I told him that it wasn't a HUGE giift, other members of the forum helped pay for it and that Phillip actually does visit the site.
Then it went onto me thinking he was gay again and he said he was offended by it....that really got to me...because I would never do anything to offend him on purpose, and I didn't mean it to offend and I just felt myself digging that hole, deeper and deeper and I know I am being silly about it but its playing on my mind now but there is nothing I can do. I am probably worrying about nothing but I hate feeling stupid and I hate hurting people's feelings, epsecially if I think they are nice, I just wish I could say sorry properly! Nevermind.

My second thing is that I feel awful because I just can't stay in bed long becausefor the past week I have had really bad ribache and backache. I keep telling myself maybe I have put on more weight or something but I don't know....I got a feeling its more to do with the fact that my old chair broken and was very uncomfortable last week...it just really hurts...

I really need to work on losing some weight next year because I am fed up with feeling shit all the time and I dont mean about the way I look either, more about the fact my asthma is worse since I put this weight on and the way my body hurts and how unfit I am that I get tired out quickly and walk slower and stuff!

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