Ellen Stafford (chicaboo25) wrote,
Ellen Stafford
chicaboo25

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Older Men....and dreams....

Why do I always like older men? was thinking about this today after receiving a letter from my penpal Robert...he has asked me about my depression and what I think caused it. When I was in hypnotherapy even though I have been through a lot of stuff which hasn't been well the one thing that really really did affect me was talking about my parents getting divorced when I was 7. As a child I never really thought it affected me. My mum and dad didn't argue, they talked to each other about us and maintained a friendship because of us....dad saw me and Anna once a week until we got into our teens and we sort of used to meet up once a month. I really believe it has affected me. I can remember the day when I was about 14 and I went to the door to say goodbye to my dad and he turned to me and said that I was too old to hug and kiss him goodbye. That actually hurt me. Then a year or so ago Dad admitted that he didn't always put us first and he regretted that....and now we see him more....but I wonder if I like older men because of my relationship with my dad. I still find it hard to talk to dad sometimes, almost like he is a stranger, I find it hard to open up to him whereas I can tell my mum anything and everything. With like Phillip Schofield I was a really big fan as a child and still liked him around when he was doing Joseph at the theatre because I can remember coming home from seeing him and crying myself to sleep because I didn't get to say hi to him and I was so close yet so far. But during my teens I still liked him but I would never admit it because it wasn't cool to fancy Phillip Schofield when all the other kids at school liked the boys from Take That and Boyzone so I kind of blocked it out a bit and secretly liked him but got into the whole Boyzone stage like my friends. Then as I got older I thought stuff what people think and loads of people laugh and make fun of me liking Phillip but I think he is gorgeous and he is a nice celebrity. You never see him in trouble or anything. He is a lovely family man and I am proud of him and glad I am a fan. I love his cheeky smile and the way he wears his shirts with a couple of buttons undone and his amazing personality and sense of humour. I am so glad he is on This Morning, but I am very realistic about things, I enjoy doing the site, I love the way I have managed to contact other fans though it, other people who didn't see it uncool to fancy him. It isn't only him though, when I was 19 I fell in love with a guy who was in his early 40's. He was married and had kids, we discussed our feelings and he felt a lot for me but he would never cheat on his wife or hurt his family which I think is a lovely thing so we decided the only way forward was to stop seeing each other....I often wonder about him but I know I am not welcome in his life. I just sometimes wonder why I am always attracted to older men? and why I find a lot of men my age so immature and different to what I am looking for. I joined a dating site and I look through a lot of the adverts and all of them are so different than me, maybe I am boring and don't like fun but I just hate the whole clubbing scene. I like being at home a lot it seems men of my age are so much more outgoing than me and come across as so immature. I know I shouldn't put people into categories because there are exceptions....I am probably over analyzing.

Speaking of Phillip, today I went to bed for a nap in the day because I felt ill and had a horrible dream...If ever I dream about Phillip usually it is horrible, I wonder why. Maybe I do worry about how he see's the site even though he says he is flattered and likes it....

The dream..."It was based in Bath and it was like some kind of celebrity type competition thing (maybe this came into my brain because of Celeb BB) and people were voting to chuck celebs into the weir. Phillip didn't get voted thank god but I was in his group of people with him and his family and he just kept trying to get rid of me and Steph (his wife) hated me and said I was weird...and I felt so upset because Phillip wouldn't even say hi to me."

Anyway I think that is enough thinking for me for one night....
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  • Blast from the past....

    Yo all! I haven't posted on here for 47 weeks!!! Anyone still around? :) My life hasn't really changed much since the last time I posted to be…

  • Webkin Poll :)

    Hi Friends, Each year I run an online poll where people choose their favourites. It started as a way to give back to people who enter competitions…

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    Thanks for the nudge and recent comments..... I don't use LJ anymore.....but if you want to add me to facebook feel free...…